Before meeting my current partner, I used to find myself seeking validation from men who I felt I deserved. Rather than finding value and worth in myself I was always craving attention from others, specifically romantic partners. I can very vividly remember chasing after some sub-par frat guy in college in hopes of finding someone who would love me the way I loved myself. Little did I know that that love for myself was lacking, and that the rock solid, healthy relationship I was actually craving was one with myself and my body.
I was constantly jumping from one toxic fling or “something” to the next never understanding why things weren’t working out for me romantically. I was constantly down on myself and felt like I was unworthy of a decent partner because I could not see my own beauty. At around 22 that the lightbulb finally went off for me, I was seeking relationships that were a direct reflection of my own relationship with myself and my body. Even after losing 30 lbs. I never felt worthy of a solid, healthy relationship because I didn’t even have one with myself. I was shocked and angry that my dating habits at 125 lbs. were not all that different than when I was 155 lbs.
How could I ever expect a man to love and respect me unconditionally if I could not even do that for myself? It was then that I realized I had been seeking the love I thought I was deserving of, which as I look back was a very low bar for any adult male to meet. I was letting romantic partners treat me like trash and manipulate me because I was so focused on the attention they were showing me that I rarely took a step back to evaluate how I was lowering my worth to meet their lukewarm feelings and actions. The truth was that I didn’t think I could “do better”.
Putting in the work to repair my relationship with myself and my body was what finally set me free from the toxic dating habits that had gripped me since my high school boyfriend, dumped me during my 1st semester of freshman year of college. I spent most of my early 20’s believing that I didn’t deserve a partner who cared about me, respected me or who met my social-emotional needs because I didn’t see my own beauty and worth. After confronting my issues with myself and my body I was able to solidify my own self-love and respect which eventually helped me in navigating my needs and worth when it came to my dating life.
I actually met my current boyfriend when I was still in the process of understanding what a healthy relationship looked like and as we very slowly eased into dating, I began to see what love could look like for me. Love free from judgement, filled with respect, support and acceptance of one another. A love that would push me to be my best self and would never ask me to show up as anyone else other than me.
Perks Of Being A Wallflower said it right, we truly do accept the love we think we deserve. I truly believe that until we can at least respect and love ourselves to some degree, we cannot expect anyone else to meet us on that same or even higher level. Now we don’t all have to have Lizzo level of self-love and confidence to find romantic love, but if you have a negative relationship with yourself, I can almost guarantee that that negative mindset affects how you choose your romantic interests. If you are like a young me, jumping from one rotting/toxic romantic fling to another then I highly recommended taking a step back and evaluating how your own perceptions of yourself are contributing to your negative dating behaviors.
Take a note from Lizzo’s ultimate bop “Soulmate”
‘Cause I’m my own soulmate
I know how to love me
I know that I’m always gonna hold me down
Yeah, I’m my own soulmate
No, I’m never lonely
I know I’m a queen but I don’t need no crown
Look up in the mirror like damn she the one
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